Head Versus Heart.

Hey guys. I hate to say it but today's post has a morbid theme to it. Before I explain, dinner at Sam's last night went really well, only I forgot to put onion in one of the dishes. At least I didn't burn the house down though, right?

Okay. I don't even know what to say first. Before I began dating Sam, I was seeing another guy by the name of "Ben" (an alias). I met Ben one night when I was out clubbing with a friend. I'd been dancing with this guy who was so terrible that I had to excuse myself and leave. On my way out, Ben stopped me by the arm and said, "Excuse me miss, but did you by chance enjoy any of that?" I just stared at him for a second before breaking out into a grin and saying "No!". For twenty minutes after that, Ben and I got chatting about various things from the club we were in (Mooseheads) to our relationship status. I told him I'd never had a boyfriend before (which at the time I hadn't), and he said "You have to be kidding me." I shook my head. He looked shocked, then came out with something I wasnt expecting. "Have you ever been kissed with passion before?" he asked. I flushed slightly and said no. Then he asked if I'd like to be. I looked him in the eyes and he just smiled and bent forward to kiss me.

Often in romance novels, the cliche is for the girls knees to become weak and buckle under such an intimate moment. If there has ever been a time in my life that this would have happened, it would have been then. I never told Ben this. I don't think he even knows now the effect he had on me that night, but I remember like it was yesterday. He asked me for my number, and under normal circumstances I wouldn't have given it. But this was by no means normal. He messaged the next day asking to see me, and again I would never have agreed to meet, but I had to. The night I met up with him, he explained that he was just out of a two-year relationship and he was in no position to start dating again. Initially this really hurt; I'd felt an instant connection with this person and here he was telling me it could never be. I'm naturally an extremely emotional being, and would ordinarily have said something to convince him otherwise. Instead, I bit my tongue and kissed him softly.

Over the next few weeks, Ben and I saw each other as often as we could; usually on a night where he got home early from work and I was able to weave an elaborate escape plan from my mother's grip on my freedom. As much as I got to know him, and fell for his humour, his body, his scent and even his flaws, I was constantly having to keep my emotions in check; cutting romantic ties with him where I felt them forming, and biting my tongue more often than not when I felt the need to confess my feelings. I'm not going to say there weren't nights where I didnt think I could do it, and that without this person in my life I would never be whole (I know it sounds silly, but to be honest thats how it felt). All I could do was distance myself from him as much as I could, yet slowly enough to not cause pain. Like a drug, I was his addiction and he was my release.

Back to the present. I'm with Sam now, who I like to no end. He's one of the most amazing men you will ever meet, with the biggest heart and the wittiest sense of humour. Only he's not Ben. I'm hoping you see my predicament. On one hand, I have the man that I've quite possibly loved since I met him, only who I can never be with. And on the other, I have the man who makes me laugh and who is much healthier for me, but who, for the moment, I'm not in love with. It's a head versus heart decision, and it's one of the hardest I've ever had to live with.

One thing is for certain; I'm not going to be cheating on Sam. I'm ashamed to confess that I have considered the idea, but then I think about what cheating did to my family. It's not so much a question of who I want to be with, but rather what the most sensible option is. Even though it's still early, it's unfair to let Sam think that I'm with him for a reason that I'm not. Similarly, is it unfair to myself to let Ben go without him knowing how I feel? For all I know, he could be feeling the same way but thinks he doesnt have a shot because he told me he didnt want me (self-convincing works wonders on the soul, even if it's lying). For the moment, all I can think to do is stay detracted from the situation and continue life as if I had never over-analysed it in the first place. What else can i do?

Hoping for help,
Lani.